Since the sexual revolution of the ‘60s, we live in an increasingly sexualized culture – for better or for worse. From magazines to commercials, women’s bodies, as well as men’s sexual performance, are being objectified. Sexuality is being seen as a commodity, just like any other physical need to be quenched when the thirst arises.
Perhaps this attitude is a step forward compared to the puritanical attitudes that tend to repress or even fear sexuality. But is this attitude truly all that great? I believe not. The porn industry occupies a massive part of the internet, as well as more than a few men’s psyches. Hook-up culture brings with its freedom many complications each person needs to resolve within themselves.
Sexuality as a Distraction
Sexuality has become another way we distract ourselves from our pain. Not very different from binge-watching or spending countless hours on our phones or on social media. This addiction can bring such great highs, during which we might be too blind to what we’re actually doing; how we might be acting out of our integrity and perhaps assaulting another’s dignity. I am not only talking about rape here. What comes to mind are subtle manipulation tactics of pick-up artists, as well as everything in between healthy sexuality and full-on sexual assault.
For a man to truly mature, he must free his sexuality from any and every agenda. As long as men remain chained to sex in order to simply feel better (instead of actually working on our pain and discomfort through quality psychotherapy), they remain incapable of deep relating.
The pain that seeks relief through porn use and unhealthy sexual encounters is none other than the pain of the wounded child in us. Desperately waiting for our loving embrace, for our compassionate acceptance. Getting into some quality therapy is a much saner approach than continuing to distract and numb ourselves to our pain.
Once a man begins to free his attention from its compulsive fixation with sex, he feels more confident and grounded, more naturally settled in his being, and simply more comfortable in his skin. Others around him, be it men or women, can feel this!
Seeing he is no longer sexually needy, he also becomes more trustworthy for both men and women! This is a man who is doing the necessary work to bring together his heart and his sexuality. He feels freer, others naturally feel attracted to him, he no longer plays mind games to get sex, and therefore has nothing to feel remorseful about later – his conscience is clean. He neither manipulates himself or others and simply takes care of his wounding and unmet needs when they naturally arise.
When a man begins to feel comfortable with his discomfort, when he begins to truly turn towards his pain, instead of turning away from it, he becomes his own hero. Nothing special or magical, just an empowered and humble man who is determined to stay connected with his integrity and self-respect, his guts, as well as his heart and one who continues to do the inner work that makes this possible.