Oh May, how fast it seems you come around now. I have been in recovery for 9 years at the end of this month. It’s a time of deep internal and external reflection. It’s a time that I take stock of how far I have come…
So many things have happened. So many things have changed. I always take a quick moment to reflect back on the destruction I paved for more than 25 years – 25 fucking years of my life I dedicated to chaos and partying. Would I change it? No. Why? Because what I paved in the wake of that destruction was an undeniable understanding of life, of love, compassion and empathy. I actually love myself now. I forgave myself, I forgave those that hurt me along the way, and I moved on from that. It’s not like it was all easy peasy or overnight, but it gave me freedom to live again without the invisible weight of despair, anguish, guilt, shame, anger and resentment… All those nasty ‘buzz words’ that many of us in recovery attach to our lives.
I am writing this waiting for a plane to take me to Toronto. I have a career I love, I have a career I’m proud of. I consider myself a helper and a healer. A lover in the true sense of the word. My purpose, in life, I believe, is to help and love as many people as I can. To be that guiding light through storms. I have a true understanding of gratitude. One of my old favourites is “life is a gift, not a right.” I owned my shit. My bad decisions. My mistakes. All of it and I continue to own it.
What is one of the most notable things about where I am today is the ability to be fucking grateful. Let me say it again. GRATEFUL. I am most grateful right now for today. I don’t look back anymore and feel bad, sad, or the other noted shitty feelings above. I am grateful for life today. I must put emphasis on how great it feels to look forward and not behind me – this is where all my power is. Nothing can change the past, but I am the author in my life and my future.
So from the meth daze, the party faze, the fervid idea that partying was king (or Queen)… Now I am a mother of 3 beautiful children, a wife, a career woman, and a friend to many. I am a woman who feels like a warrior queen. Life, quite simply, is what you make of it. It takes guts to keep going, to keep trying, to keep fighting, and to keep being courageous enough to get back up if you fall down.
Today I am thankful. Today I am grateful. Today I am alive.