Surreal reality – Sur’ ality
I sort-of remember the day I packed the last bit of my belongings into my 2003 Chevrolet Cavalier. I say ‘sort-of’ because I was just coming off a week long binge of methamphetamines, GHB, Ketamine, Ativan, Percocets, and booze. I probably got no more than 5 or 6 hours of sleep that entire week. It was the most surreal moment of my adult life. I was taking the plunge, the chance, a RISK on improving my life by moving to the West Coast.
Bare House and Bare Bones
My house was bare, the moving truck had come and gone and I found myself crying on my furniture-less carpet feeling isolated alone and empty. With a blanket, a pillow, and the hollowness that addiction leaves you with, I sat there rummaging through some of the choices I’d made in my life.
To Kill the False Being Inside
That night I sat alone in my dark and empty house confused and wallowing in the uncertainty of my decision. The smell of the newly cleaned carpets was my only sanctuary, as the state I was in was a living nightmare. What the hell am I doing? Moving to a new province and town with 2 kids and I don’t know anyone? BUT staying will kill me too. “Take the chance” my intuition said to me. This was the night I would hypothetically kill the false being inside of me.
High and Highways
On May 28, 2008 at approximately 7 AM I picked myself off of that carpet, smoked the last of my drugs and headed west. Hope guided me, strength embraced me, and courage told me everything was\s going to be ok. The road to BC twisted and turned just like the emotions flooded through my body and I mourned. That day I cried for many reasons, leaving my family, friends, beloved coworkers, and all I’ve ever known behind.
Sayonara Hypothetical Drug’mance
Surprisingly, I didn’t grieve for my hypothetical “lover and best friend” (drugs and partying). I had gotten to the point in my addiction where I just didn’t want it anymore, and the geographical cure pulled at my gypsy heart and told me to disembark on a new journey. I also wept because I was doing it…. I was ACTUALLY doing something about my substance abuse issues.
Rolling the “Life Dice”
What seemed like the longest drive of my life was also the most reflective. Repeating over and over again, “Nothing changes if nothing changes, Jaymie.” I drove that drive like my life depended on it and guess what? It did. I had tortured myself with drugs and alcohol since I was a young girl and this, this was my flip of the coin, this was my pursuit of freedom from the cyclical battle of my addiction, this road was leading me to my new home, this was my roll of the ‘life dice.’
It was time to grow.
And I did.
May 28 2016 – I celebrate 8 years in recovery.
8 years I celebrate having my freedom back.
8 years I’ve celebrated growth.
8 years I celebrate life.
8 years I’ve invested in myself.
Recovery and its Gifts
Those first few years weren’t easy, but they were worth it. Today I enjoy the meaning and purpose through helping others in recovery. I love my job. I am getting married next year, bought my first home in 2015, and have 3 beautiful, happy, healthy and loving sons.
The journey that day is one that’ll sit close in my heart forever. As it has become the most important decision I have EVER made in my whole entire life.