Drug Rehab Center

By Geoff Thompson – MA, CCC
Program Director
Sunshine Coast Health Center

On Valentine’s Day, Sunshine Coast Health Center sponsored Dr. Wayne Dyer’s new movie, Ambition to Meaning, for the Powell River community, with the proceeds going to the local food bank.

The movie is about the benefits of living one’s life according to what one believes—living life from the inside out. Dyer’s main point is that in the “afternoon” of our lives we have to start living according to who we are, and not according to what society tells us to do. We spend the “morning” of our life being ambitious — we get a job, buy things, get married, and so on. As we get older, our job is to start living a personally meaningful life, a life that matches who we are. As Dyer puts it, we have to shift from “ambition” to “meaning.”

Dyer’s message is similar to the new program at Sunshine Coast. The difference is that we are closer to the ideas of the great psychologist, Viktor Frankl. Frankl would agree with Dyer, except that he emphasizes that this drive for meaning is part of us from the beginning. We merely distract ourselves with “ambition.”

Looking at life from the inside out is the same as being true to yourself. Each of us is unique, and each of us has to live according to what makes us unique.

Those of you in 12-step programs probably realize that this idea fits beautifully with Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. The 12-step program tells us that our essential problem is not substance abuse, but that we allow our egos to run our lives. According to AA and NA, our ego controls us. This is not good. Those who live by the demands of the ego have several mistaken beliefs. First, they judge their worth by the amount of stuff they have; second, they believe they are what they do; third, their self-esteem is based on what others think of them.

Dyer’s version is similar to the 12-steps: Ego equals ambitious living; the “authentic self” equals meaningful living. So, according to Dyer and the 12-steps, we have to stop allowing the ego to control us and live a life that appeals to who we really are.  

Unhappy people, such as addicts, let their ambition control them. In the Wayne Dyer movie, a woman reduces her life to being a mother. A man reduces his life to making money. A filmmaker reduces his life to being a director. But people are so much more than what they do and so much more than their role or money or reputation. In the movie, these three characters are not fulfilled.

In this article we’ll explore Wayne Dyer’s idea that we have to stop living by the ego (ambition) and start being true to ourselves (meaning). We have to start living life from the inside out, instead of from the outside in.

An External Orientation (Ambition)

An “external orientation” is a term used in psychology. What it means is that some people live their lives outside of themselves. Just about everything they think and do is based on what others tell them. In the Wayne Dyer movie, these are all the unhappy characters — those controlled by their egos.

Sunshine Coast clients struggle mightily to look into themselves — at least at the beginning. When a client is angry we ask him, ‘What is it about YOU that makes you angry?’ Most clients don’t like this; they prefer to look outside themselves: ‘I’m angry because Harry said he’d buy me a magazine and he didn’t’; I’m angry because my parents still don’t trust me’. One client even told us that he came to Sunshine Coast to give his parents “time to get their act together”! These are clients who are externally oriented.

Here are two real-life examples supplied by the alumni: Tom believes that the more money he has, the more successful he is. He works at his job because he gets a hefty pay-cheque—not because he likes the work. His family pressures him to make lots of money because his son wants expensive hockey equipment, and his partner likes to buy jewelry.

Harry and his partner are struggling. He’s been clean and sober for a year, but she still blames him for all the problems in their marriage. She is suspicious of an AA meeting that Harry likes to attend because Harry talked about a woman there with whom he had coffee after the meeting. To keep the peace with his wife, Harry no longer attends that AA meeting. He also makes sure he gets back home right after work so that she does not have an excuse to accuse him of anything.

Tom and Harry live life according to what they think others demand of them. In psychology, we say that they are “externally oriented.” They look to others or to things to make them feel okay. They look at life from the outside in, with predictable results: they choose to be victims.

An Internal Orientation (Meaning)

Alumni who are doing well have looked inside themselves for answers. They’ve figured out that they had the answers all along. When they are angry, they look into themselves for the cause of the anger. They do things because they believe in what they do, not because someone else wants them to do it. Happy alumni tell us, for example, that they attend AA because it helps them in their recovery (an internal orientation). Struggling alumni tell us that they attend AA because this makes their families happy (an external orientation).

Remember that saying on the AA chip: “To thine own self be true.”

But we have to be realistic about life, too. There are lots of things we cannot control. I may have wanted to be a NHL hockey player, but I don’t have the physical ability to do so. The actor Christopher Reeve likely had the desire to throw a football with his son, but as a quadriplegic, did not have the physical ability. I may want to be vacationing on a beach in Rio, but I have to pay the bills. I may wish that people were always polite and thoughtful, but I know that this is simply not true. I may want to win the lottery, but I also know that my chances of being dealt a royal flush in the first hand of a poker game is nine times more likely to occur.

Life limits all of us. Even so, happy people have developed an internal orientation; they look at life from the inside out.

Developing an Internal Orientation

If you’ve been following along, you’ve probably figured out that letting society or advertising or other people tell you how to live your life is a recipe for unhappiness.

The most important tool is this: Look into yourself. You actually have all the answers.

Wayne Dyer’s version is to pay attention to what makes you feel alive. One must be cautious here, however, since feeling alive is NOT craving an adrenalin rush. Don’t confuse feeling alive with the urge for superficial excitement. In Dyer’s movie, he shows a housewife who feels that something is missing in her life. It dawns on her that she used to love painting when she was in college but had given it up when she married and had kids. Picking up the artist’s brush again fills the hole in her life. Another fellow in the movie focused on making money until he realized that love for his wife and his marriage was more important than material success.

The housewife and the businessman had to look into themselves to find what made them feel alive and vital and whole.

Looking into yourself is the key, but you also have to be alert to any barriers that YOU have erected against this. Have you chosen to be a victim? Have you chosen to believe what advertisers tell you that to have a good life you need lots of material things? Have you chosen to keep wearing a mask around others? Have you forgotten Rule 62 and think that you have some magical power to control others? Here’s a common one: lots of clients truly want a good relationship with their parents. But before even talking with them, they expect a fight. So, they usually act in a way (prepare for a fight) that will never allow get what they want! To thine own self be true can be tough.

If you’re wondering how you will know when you’ve learned to look into yourself for answers — what Wayne Dyer calls living a meaningful life — there is an easy way. Your gut will tell you. When your actions match your beliefs, you will ‘feel’ it’s right.

Lessons from the 12-Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

The 12-step program has tactics to help you develop an “internal orientation” and find happiness. According to the steps, addicts live their lives according to the demands of their egos. The ego has an external orientation; it deals with the outside world and is concerned with itself and its image and not with others.

Bill W.’s psychoanalyst, Harry Tiebout, described the addict as follows: “The so-called typical alcoholic is a narcissistic egocentric core, dominated by feelings of omnipotence, intent on maintaining at all costs its inner integrity.” Put in everyday terms, Tiebout is saying that the addict is self-centered, arrogant, and filled with pride.

The steps are one way to overcome these traits. The solution to self-centeredness is, first, finding a higher power. Tiebout recognized that if the addict truly believed in a HP, then he could not logically think himself the center of the universe. Secondly, helping others. If the addict helped his fellow suffering addict, he would learn that others were equally as important as he was.

The solution to arrogance and pride is humility and surrender. So, as you can see, this is one reason why the “spiritual principles” are so important in the steps.

The ‘I am’ Experience

Living life from the inside means that you must be convinced that you exist as a person in your own right. This may seem obvious, but most addicts have not figured this out. In fact, many unhappy people have not figured this out. The famous therapist, Rollo May, had a knack for helping someone when other therapists failed. According to May, this was because he first helped his patients develop an awareness that they were unique, living human beings.

Rollo May gives an example of a woman who was overwhelmed with shame because she was an illegitimate child. The woman went to several therapists who explained to her that she lived a shame-based life and this stunted her growth, gave her techniques to get rid of shame, and so on. None of this worked.

According to May, these strategies didn’t help because she lacked a sense that she was a human being. This is a bit tricky to understand. Being aware that she is a living person does not mean she knows ‘who’ she is; it doesn’t mean that she has dealt with her issues. It means that regardless of what she struggles with she is still an individual. 

One day, she figured it out. Despite the fact that she was illegitimate, she realized that she was still a person. And that’s what counted. Only when she figured this out could she begin to overcome her ‘issues’ and live a great life.

We’ve noticed at Sunshine Coast that those who are successful in recovery have developed this sense that they exist. One client told us that it “just hit me.” Despite all his struggles, despite not knowing ‘who’ he is, he realized that he was a living, breathing human being. After this realization, he was more accepting of others, he started thinking seriously about what kind of job he wanted. He started thinking about what made him feel truly satisfied, and so on. He even started smiling.

Rollo May calls this the “I am” experience. A light-bulb goes on. Suddenly, the person realizes that he is, at bottom, a person. The famous philosopher Descartes said, “I think, therefore I am.” Rollo May answers, “I am, therefore I think.”

Tags: 12 Steps, Alcoholics Anonymous, Ambition to Meaning, Harry Tiebout, higher power, Narcotics Anonymous, Rollo May, Rule 62, Viktor Frankl, Wayne Dyer

This entry was posted on Monday, March 23rd, 2009 at 5:50 pm and is filed under 12 Steps of AA, Addiction Recovery (Life After Treatment), Character Strengths and Virtues, Exploring Addiction, Geoff Thompson, On Line Support - Alumni, Wayne Dyer. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.