Drug Rehab Center

By Cathy Patterson-Sterling, MA, RCC
Director of Family Services
Sunshine Coast Health Center

PART FOUR OF FOUR

The Transition From Addiction Treatment To Adulthood

Some parents are concerned because when their adult children complete treatment, they have no resources. For example, many adult children do not have jobs, living accommodations, or assets. In such situations, it is not recommended that parents have their adult children move back home with them because it is very easy to slip back into the cycle of rescuing, managing, and over-functioning. Furthermore, if parents are going to provide support or a step-down transition out of treatment then there should be an objective agreement drafted with accountability conditions. Parents need to be careful that they are respecting the adulthood of their children and do not use agreements as a way to further manage their children. These agreements would be worded in a format similar to a tenancy contract. Also parents need to first consider their emotional as well as financial limits before they move to the stage of negotiating a contract of support with their adult children. The following steps below are very helpful in this process.

Steps involved in creating a transitional support agreement:

Step #1. The parents have a conversation with each other to discuss the reality of how much they are prepared to spend emotionally and financially to support their adult child to transition out of treatment. The parameters of emotional and financial support are discussed between the parents.

Step #2. The adult child explores options around what they will do post-treatment (ie. living accommodations, job, etc). Adult child also examines how they can choose a plan whereby they are able to express their adulthood as well as independence while also meeting the requirements included in the plan.

Step #3. The adult child and parents meet with or without a counsellor to discuss different options around transitional support after treatment such as options for living, working, and so on. The adult child may also consider the results of a career assessment in their examination of options.

Step #4. Parents share the the limits of the support they are willing to provide emotionally and financially. Accountability measures may be discussed as well as an examination of what will occur if the adult child does not maintain recovery and has a relapse. For example, financial support may cease or there is an expectation the adult child will return to intensive counselling and/or residential treatment. Individual circumstances may vary widely for each family.

Step #5. The parents and the adult child examine how they can be respectful of each other’s adulthood on both sides. What will the relationship look like in recovery? What type of support does the adult child need in recovery?

Managing the “Worry Monster” During the Transition To Adulthood

One of the greatest challenges for parents of adult children is managing the “worry monster.”  Even if adult children are doing well post-recovery, parents can easily be consumed by their anxiety about the future. There are three common emotions that can cause parents to enter back into a rescuing cycle and take back the gift of adulthood that they are offering to their adult children. These emotions include:

Fear- Some parents worry that their adult children cannot succeed and that bad things will happen. As a result, such parents fall back into patterns of over-functioning, rescuing, and managing. Parents can worry that their adult children are around “bad influences” and in an attempt to clear away bad friends or other negative factors, they end up returning to managing their children’s lives.

Guilt- Some parents feel badly for choices they have made earlier in life like divorcing or working long hours. Perhaps such parents were not able to give their children all the advantages needed while growing up. As a result, parents may try to compensate now and out of guilt they will undermine the progress of independence which is necessary for their children’s adulthood.  For example, parents may, out of guilt, make their adult children’s lives easier by paying off debts and not allowing their adult children to be responsible or accountable.

Parents need to remember that guilt is an indulgent activity that selfishly meets their own needs while undermining the progress of their adult child’s independence. We can only change our current, not past, actions. Furthermore, we may be overestimating the impact of our past mistakes and, instead, transferring all of our unresolved emotional issues into guilt. This guilt is actually one of our own emotional areas for growth and may have nothing to do with our children.

Pity- Some parents have a deficit-focused view of their adult children. For example, there are parents who believe their children are “special” or incapable of being adults because they always make bad decisions. Secretly, parents may even pity their children because these individuals have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder), Generalized Anxiety Disorders, or are challenged in some way. In such cases, parents may position themselves as being the strong high-functioning people in the relationships and they would lose their own identities if they were not in a position of helping their adult children who they presume are weak.  The challenge in these situations is for parents to “re-write” their stories of who they believe their children are in life and to move from a deficit-focus to noticing all the strengths and abilities in these adult children. Remember what we pay attention to grows!

If parents experience this roadblock and start to undermine their adult children’s independence then they may wish to explore in their own healing journey of who they are outside of their children’s challenges. Sometimes parents who end up bonding in crisis can enmesh their identities with their children so addiction then becomes a catalyst for people on both sides to grow as well as positively transform out of this crisis.

Conclusion

The parenting journey is one of the most valuable and rewarding experiences in life, requiring great faith and tremendous courage. We applaud you in your healing!

Tags: ADHD, adult children, fear, guilt, pity, transitional support agreement, worry monster

This entry was posted on Monday, April 5th, 2010 at 12:02 pm and is filed under Addiction Recovery (Life After Treatment), Exploring Addiction, Family Addiction Help, Relationships, cathy patterson-sterling, shame and guilt. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.