Making Sense Of It All: Addiction and Adversity
By Cathy Patterson-Sterling, MA, RCC
Director of Family Services
Sunshine Coast Health Center
Introduction
One question I commonly ask families and partners impacted by addiction as well as clients who have been in recovery for a long time is- “If you had the chance to change your life all over again would you still have been impacted by addiction?” The overwhelming answer I mainly receive is yes. In fact, alumni from the program are always saying to me: “The addiction brought me back to who I really am and through the chaos/hell/drama I found myself.” Often alumni will say that they would shorten the amount of time in active addiction as well as lessen the amount of pain that their family members suffered, but that they would not change the fact they had an addiction. Likewise, alumni of the Family Program will share with me that the addiction of their loved ones had some type of transformative impact on their lives. As I meet so many families, I consider the fact that they could have done well in life despite other people’s addictions and I wonder why they had to endure such a “life altering” experience as living with and loving someone with an addiction.
So I decided that in this blog article I would focus on how to make sense of the adversity or challenges we have in our lives. The result is that we are given opportunities to grow on deeper emotional levels by having struggles in our lives but, overall, what really is the purpose of life? Are we here to just keep growing and becoming wiser people? We will explore some of these issues as we try to “make sense of it all.”
The Purpose Of Life Is To Embrace Challenges And Grow Along The Way
There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year’s course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word ‘happy’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.
~ Carl Jung
So many people say along the path of life- “I wish I knew then what I know now.” We gain this knowledge by learning experiences in life. This learning, however, is not always fun or accomplished through spontaneous adventure. Often, learning in life occurs through the dark moments of pain. We experience pain because we need to adjust our thoughts as well as grow. Obviously what we are doing is not working for us and as a result we need to change our thoughts, actions, or overall outlooks because the results of our actions include pain. When we try the same methods over and over again and nothing changes yet we expect different results, then it is time for us to change. Perpetual head-banging against a door is a masochist endeavour saved for people who refuse to change. Once we change our thoughts, attitudes, or actions we can then gain perspective by realizing the door we needed to walk through was right beside the wall we kept banging our head against.
Darkness, sadness, and despair are a regular part of being human in this world. As humans, we are hedonistic by nature so a faster way of recovering from painful experiences is to not ask “why” or “how could this happen”, but to instead question what we need to learn so that we can grow emotionally and so we can more quickly move through the pain of such experiences.
Also an important part of happiness is appreciation and we may not really experience elation or moments of being happy if we had not endured the alternative which is the moments of pain as well as misery. With pain we can take on the responsibility of making sure we feel better and by doing so we can not only heal but also learn valuable lessons about life along the way.
The Purpose of Life Is to Express Free Will And Embrace Our Ability To Create Our Own Reality
The Universe is transformation; our life is what our thoughts make it.” As part of a free world, we can think whatever we wish to and our minds are an expression of this fact. As humans we are bombarded with our own thoughts which can be good, bad, or indifferent. Therefore if we have the ability to create our own thoughts, then we have that same power to manage our own realities. In other words- life is what we make it.
~ Marcus Aurelius
If we develop a persecution complex and believe that we are “done to”, then we will be perpetual victims as well as martyrs. Instead, if we believe that other people come into our lives for a reason or a purpose, then we will explore further the meaning of our relationships. Inevitably, people come into our lives and share with us some lesson or purpose. As a result of these relationships, we grow on deeper levels. Now whether we believe we are victims of other people’s actions or that individuals are our teachers can result in how we perceive the world as we create our own realities.
Now some people assume that their immediate family and life partner have to be loving individuals who are in tune with their emotions. For good measure, they should also strive daily to make them happy. What if their closest friends and family members had their own rigid views on life and were not shy to express their criticisms? In such interactions, we could feel perpetually wounded or we could take charge of our lives and grow emotionally. For example, these people may have constructive criticism that is valuable for us to learn. Some of the most challenging people can become our greatest teachers. Or in some situations these aggressive people who are critical with their constant opinions may need us to set boundaries with them. Perhaps we are supposed to learn how to raise our value in such relationships and defend ourselves in a loving yet detached way so that we are not engaging in constant dramas. Either way, we interpret these situations according to our own free will as well as views of reality.
Therefore we navigate through life expressing our free will, growing on deeper emotional levels, and creating our own reality. With such power we can’t blame other people for the condition of our lives and instead need to take responsibility for our actions, thoughts, as well as behaviours. In many ways, it is easier to blame others for our own unhappiness, but if we have free will as humans then really it is our responsibility to take charge of our lives to create the reality we want for ourselves.
The Purpose Of Life Is To Become More Compassionate As Well As Connected To The Larger World
How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because some day you will have been all of these.
~ George Washington Carver
Many people believe that the deeper purpose of life is really about becoming more unconditionally loving as well as tolerant. We come to this world in relation to others and as humans we shine best when we are giving to as well as connecting to the larger community. There is nothing more disappointing then when people collapse into complete entitlement as well as self-absorption. The heart of evil stems from a complete disregard of other’s feelings. Selfish people without regard for others commit selfish acts. Therefore progress in life occurs when people rise above their own self-centered egos and connect back to the larger world through unconditional love as well as giving of their time as well as selves.
Even the common saying: “Live and let live” has connotations about living a life filled with tolerance as well as compassion for others. When the Dalai Lama was asked what is the meaning of life he replied: “To be happy and useful.” Therefore contentment as well as the larger meaning or purpose of life is about being of use for the greater good. Another saying is that “giving and receiving are the same” because it is through giving that we get the joy of belonging with others as well as feeling a deeper sense of purpose in our own lives.
The following include tips for being unconditionally loving:
• Reserve judgement as well as critical comment
• Use empathy as you imagine “walking in another person’s shoes”
• Do not place conditions on people (unless boundaries are necessary)
• Try to live without great expectations
• Live with the attitudes of appreciation as well as gratitude
If individuals are still healing from heartache, broken trust, or even betrayal the thought of becoming unconditionally loving is not a priority since they still may be reeling from negative events. An important consideration, however, is that people can speed up the healing of their own lives by reaching out and connecting to something greater than themselves either through spiritual expression, service work, or unconditional love of others. When we rise above our wounded egos, we see that we have a much larger purpose to connect to because we are part of a larger humanity. If we do not heal our hurt or pain, then martyrdom and resentment can set in. One road out of this cycle is to learn from these experiences and focus on finding richer meaning in life. Sometimes we need dark moments of pain so that we can get clear about our priorities and what we want out of life.
The Purpose Of Life Is To Learn
Life is a succession of lessons, which must be lived to be understood.
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
One mystery of life is what it is we are even doing here on this planet? When we are children we begin to form our values, opinions, as well as core beliefs for how the world should operate. As we form our personalities, we continue to gain life experience. Even as little children we can use cruel words and struggle in relationship with the other members of our sandbox. In many ways, life then does become about a series of lessons. In our careers, we may still feel like we are playing in a sandbox with our other co-workers because we can be flabbergasted at some of their immature behaviours as they try to manipulate us with various plays for power or agendas.
So what does this mean if life is a series of successive lessons? In special consideration, we may wonder what this means for our relationships impacted by addiction. Why did we have to suffer from the experience of witnessing someone we care and love about self-destructing with drugs and/or alcohol?
The following include the benefits of surviving the impact of someone’s addiction:
• We learn that we are powerless over other people’s actions
• We learn where we begin and end as well as our impact on other people’s problems
• We learn that we must increase our value in relationships
• We realize we are not victims and that we must teach other people how treat us which can best be done through boundaries
• We become clear about our priorities and what we want out of life
• We learn the necessity of self-care
• We learn when we are really helping or not
The Purpose Of Life Is To Cultivate Our Relationships With Others
Life is relationships; the rest is just details.” Much of who we are as people stems from our relationships with our families, friends, co-workers etc. Even if we were to leave a large legacy of some kind, the measurement of the greatness of this legacy would be in relation to the impact of our actions on other people.
~ Gary Smalley
One of my favourite writings that I often read on posters is by Robert Fulghum.
All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten
by Robert Fulghum
Here’s an excerpt from the book:
All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten.
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW about how to live and what to do
and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not
at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the
sandpile at Sunday School. These are the things I learned:
Share everything.
Play fair.
Don’t hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life – learn some and think some
and draw and paint and sing and dance and play
and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic,
hold hands, and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.
Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup:
The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody
really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even
the little seed in the Styrofoam cup – they all die.
So do we.
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books
and the first word you learned – the biggest
word of all – LOOK.
Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.
The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.
Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.
Take any of those items and extrapolate it into
sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your
family life or your work or your government or
your world and it holds true and clear and firm.
Think what a better world it would be if
all – the whole world – had cookies and milk about
three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down with
our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments
had a basic policy to always put thing back where
they found them and to clean up their own mess.
And it is still true, no matter how old you
are – when you go out into the world, it is best
to hold hands and stick together.
I like this poem because Robert reiterates the fact that we become better as people when we are aware of others around us and we recognise the impact of our actions on a larger community. I love the message of taking the time to rest, love, and play also.
Psychologist Richard Ryan and Research Collaborator Tim Kasser wrote a book called “The High Price of Materialism” and they concluded through their research that people who strive for intimacy, personal growth, and contribution to the community enjoy a higher quality of life. Material wealth is not equated with happiness and yet so many people believe that if they had more money they would be content. I agree that the secret to the meaning of life lies in our relationships with others and our ability to learn as well as grow from the lessons along our journeys.
Tags: All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, Family Addiction, Richard Ryan, Robert Fulghum
Sunshine Coast Health Center is a provincially-approved drug and alcohol rehabilitation facility licensed by VCH