Drug Rehab Center

By Daniel Jordan
Director
Sunshine Coast Health Center

Barb Struch is a long-time high school teacher residing in Powell River, British Columbia. Barb and I both share a concern about the way schools and families are preparing youth for adulthood, albeit from different perspectives based on our professions. Barb has written a poem to highlight some of the dangers she sees in modern parenting:

What a Child Would Say If He Only Knew
by Barbara Struch, B.Ed., M.Ed.

When you tell me that I cannot fail, you are setting me up for failure. So, when
I actually fail for the first time, I will blame anybody else because you have
taught me that I cannot fail. Instead, help me to understand that failing is a
positive thing because it teaches me what not to do the next time around.

Above all, know that I love you, and I am a most forgiving child. When you
mess up, talk to me about it, admit it. I will have great respect for you and
when you ask to be forgiven, I will forgive you, hug you, and love you as though
none of it had ever happened.

Obviously, Barb is not talking about neglect but, rather, the other extreme which is the tendency of modern-day parents to ‘over-manage’ their kids. Naturally, the consequences of over-managed kids at home carries over to the classroom and, for an unlucky minority of youth, into addiction treatment as well.

A Sense of Entitlement/Lack of Motivation

Clients who have been raised by over-managing parents often lack motivation. Why? Because motivation is not necessary when every need and threat is anticipated and dealt with beforehand by an overzealous parent. Over-managing has a debilitating effect on a child’s growth process. Since recovery from addiction is inherently a growth process, therapy cannot treat addiction without addressing entitlement.

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, Director of Family Services at Sunshine Coast, has written about entitlement in another article posted in this blog, “The Cost of Rescuing.”

Perfectionism

Clients who have been raised to think they can do no wrong are notoriously critical of others. As adults, clients learn to use perfectionism as a way of avoiding painful self-reflection by noticing the shortcomings of staff, their peers, the facility, the food, etc. Anything is fair game and keeps the client in his comfort zone.

Why Parents Over-Manage

In her article, The Gift of Adulthood, Cathy Patterson-Sterling finds that many parents who over-manage their kids do so out of fear. Fear can be a powerful emotion, often blinding parents to the negative consequences of their over-managing tendencies.

Fostering Resilience as an Alternative to Over-Managing

It may seem obvious that it is difficult for parents to remove all potential sources of pain, increasingly so as their children reach maturity. However, fear often makes it difficult for a parent to think rationally when they see their children suffering. Fortunately, there is research showing the effectiveness of fostering resilience – the positive capacity of people to cope with life’s challenges. * While resilience can’t prevent painful events from occurring, teaching children to courageously face life’s twists and turns does nurture personal growth.

(*) Note: Resilience has been extensively researched in psychology. A good book for parents is Raising Resilient Children: Fostering Strength, Hope, and Optimism in Your Child, written by Robert Brooks, Ph.D.

When All Else Fails, Role Model

Nearly half of Barb’s poem is dedicated to the importance of parents serving as good role models for their children. Fortunately, being a good role model is one of the few things over which we have control. If we look after ourselves, our kids tend to follow suit. In fact, when parents ask Cathy what is the best thing they can do to help their addicted sons, Cathy advises them to practice good self-care. Such advice may seem counter-intuitive but it is not when one remembers the replicative nature of role modeling.

PS

Speaking from personal experience, I recognize that there is a difference between over-parenting and over-scheduling. Growing up in Edmonton in the early 1970s, I don’t remember getting rides to school nor having so much structured leisure time. However, I don’t think this change is due to overzealous parenting so much as it is a response to the hectic pace of modern life.

In this 3rd instalment of the six-part series on goal setting, Cathy Patterson-Sterling discusses the SMART formula for goal setting and the importance of making your goals achievable.

SMART stands for:

Specific
Measurable
Attainable or Achievable
Realistic
Timely

In part 4 of this 6 part series on setting successful goals, Cathy Patterson-Sterling discusses the need for realistic goal setting; a component of the SMART formula. SMART stands for:

Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Timely

Cathy Patterson-Sterling shares part 5 oh her 6-part series on Setting Successful Goals. In this video she stresses the importance of examining time in goal setting. Do you have the time to achieve your goal? Have you set a time frame or is your goal open-ended?

SMART stands for:

Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Timely

In this 6th and final instalment on setting successful goals, Cathy Patterson-Sterling discusses the nature of stress as it relates to feelings of overwhelm, thought monitoring and the bigger perspective.

In this final instalment, Cathy expresses her last of 5 wishes for families struggling with addiction of a loved one. The oxygen mask protocol is the rule that we put our own oxygen mask on first before doing anything else, including helping others. This is an obvious metaphor for the critical practice of family members that remember to look after themselves before assuming we are capable of helping others. We are not effective if we are stressed and worried to the point of ineffectiveness.

In this five-part series, Cathy extends her greatest wishes for families impacted by addiction. In part 4, Cathy encourages families to find their ‘North Star’ – that which inspires us, that over-arching goal, helping us move toward a greater, more fulfilling over-all purpose in life.

In this 3rd instalment, Cathy talks about ‘flow‘ which is based on the work of Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi. It’s about families finding something that inspires them and helps nourish inner joy. Importantly, it’s important to find something that doesn’t revolve around a loved one.

In part 2 of this series on supporting families affected by a loved one’s addiction, Cathy Patterson-Sterling highlights the the second of her five greatest wishes for families – maintaining healthy boundaries.

In this first instalment, Cathy invites loved ones to consider the first of five techniques that wil help them deal with addiction in the family: healthy emotional detachment.