Canada Drug Rehab

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, MA, RCC

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, Director of Family Services for Sunshine Coast Health Centre, talks about setting consequences for broken boundaries and the importance of “living in the gray.”

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, MA, RCC

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, Director of Family Services for the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, talks about how you know a personal boundary has been crossed and what you can do about it.

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, MA, RCC

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, Director of Family Services for the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, offers a concrete definition of personal boundaries and how to set them.

By Cathy Patterson-Sterling, MA, RCC
Director of Family Services
Sunshine Coast Health Center

PART FOUR OF FOUR

The Transition From Addiction Treatment To Adulthood

Some parents are concerned because when their adult children complete treatment, they have no resources. For example, many adult children do not have jobs, living accommodations, or assets. In such situations, it is not recommended that parents have their adult children move back home with them because it is very easy to slip back into the cycle of rescuing, managing, and over-functioning. Furthermore, if parents are going to provide support or a step-down transition out of treatment then there should be an objective agreement drafted with accountability conditions. Parents need to be careful that they are respecting the adulthood of their children and do not use agreements as a way to further manage their children. These agreements would be worded in a format similar to a tenancy contract. Also parents need to first consider their emotional as well as financial limits before they move to the stage of negotiating a contract of support with their adult children. The following steps below are very helpful in this process.

Steps involved in creating a transitional support agreement:

Step #1. The parents have a conversation with each other to discuss the reality of how much they are prepared to spend emotionally and financially to support their adult child to transition out of treatment. The parameters of emotional and financial support are discussed between the parents.

Step #2. The adult child explores options around what they will do post-treatment (ie. living accommodations, job, etc). Adult child also examines how they can choose a plan whereby they are able to express their adulthood as well as independence while also meeting the requirements included in the plan.

Step #3. The adult child and parents meet with or without a counsellor to discuss different options around transitional support after treatment such as options for living, working, and so on. The adult child may also consider the results of a career assessment in their examination of options.

Step #4. Parents share the the limits of the support they are willing to provide emotionally and financially. Accountability measures may be discussed as well as an examination of what will occur if the adult child does not maintain recovery and has a relapse. For example, financial support may cease or there is an expectation the adult child will return to intensive counselling and/or residential treatment. Individual circumstances may vary widely for each family.

Step #5. The parents and the adult child examine how they can be respectful of each other’s adulthood on both sides. What will the relationship look like in recovery? What type of support does the adult child need in recovery?

Managing the “Worry Monster” During the Transition To Adulthood

One of the greatest challenges for parents of adult children is managing the “worry monster.”  Even if adult children are doing well post-recovery, parents can easily be consumed by their anxiety about the future. There are three common emotions that can cause parents to enter back into a rescuing cycle and take back the gift of adulthood that they are offering to their adult children. These emotions include:

Fear- Some parents worry that their adult children cannot succeed and that bad things will happen. As a result, such parents fall back into patterns of over-functioning, rescuing, and managing. Parents can worry that their adult children are around “bad influences” and in an attempt to clear away bad friends or other negative factors, they end up returning to managing their children’s lives.

Guilt- Some parents feel badly for choices they have made earlier in life like divorcing or working long hours. Perhaps such parents were not able to give their children all the advantages needed while growing up. As a result, parents may try to compensate now and out of guilt they will undermine the progress of independence which is necessary for their children’s adulthood.  For example, parents may, out of guilt, make their adult children’s lives easier by paying off debts and not allowing their adult children to be responsible or accountable.

Parents need to remember that guilt is an indulgent activity that selfishly meets their own needs while undermining the progress of their adult child’s independence. We can only change our current, not past, actions. Furthermore, we may be overestimating the impact of our past mistakes and, instead, transferring all of our unresolved emotional issues into guilt. This guilt is actually one of our own emotional areas for growth and may have nothing to do with our children.

Pity- Some parents have a deficit-focused view of their adult children. For example, there are parents who believe their children are “special” or incapable of being adults because they always make bad decisions. Secretly, parents may even pity their children because these individuals have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder), Generalized Anxiety Disorders, or are challenged in some way. In such cases, parents may position themselves as being the strong high-functioning people in the relationships and they would lose their own identities if they were not in a position of helping their adult children who they presume are weak.  The challenge in these situations is for parents to “re-write” their stories of who they believe their children are in life and to move from a deficit-focus to noticing all the strengths and abilities in these adult children. Remember what we pay attention to grows!

If parents experience this roadblock and start to undermine their adult children’s independence then they may wish to explore in their own healing journey of who they are outside of their children’s challenges. Sometimes parents who end up bonding in crisis can enmesh their identities with their children so addiction then becomes a catalyst for people on both sides to grow as well as positively transform out of this crisis.

Conclusion

The parenting journey is one of the most valuable and rewarding experiences in life, requiring great faith and tremendous courage. We applaud you in your healing!

By Cathy Patterson-Sterling, MA RCC
Director of Family Services
Sunshine Coast Health Center

PART 3 OF 4

What Is The Gift Of Adulthood?

As our children mature, it is natural for we as parents to transition from the role of authority to one that more closely resembles being a trusted friend. It is a time where parents allow their children to grow into adults. As our children grow, so do we as parents where we can reclaim our own lives and return to some of our interests that were put on hold in order to raise our families.

Some of us parents, however, may hesitate to hand back to their adult children the responsibility of living independently. The reality, however, is that adult children who are developing responsibility for their own lives probably will struggle and their decisions, while not always perfectly executed, never fail to provide valuable life lessons.

When little toddlers learn to walk, their first steps are always unsteady. A few falls are inevitable. It is by falling and failing, however, that humans come to terms with reality which, in the case of a toddler learning to walk, is gravity.

Similarly, our adult children are also dealing with the realities of life such as paying the bills, embarking on a career, and finding a life partner. During this time, we as parents need to remember that, beyond providing words of encouragement and the occasional steadying hand, the bulk of the work remains with our children.

Will our adult children accept the challenge? Some will embrace this opportunity while others will do so kicking and screaming. In the case of the latter, it behooves us as parents to listen as objectively as possible, acknowledge our parenting mistakes when necessary, then support our adult children to face the most pressing challenge currently awaiting them in life.

Along these lines, here are six recommendations for parents who are supporting their adult children  as they begin to embrace their own adulthood:

Letting Go Tip #1 - Accept the Consequences

Accepting consequences is the very essence of learning personal responsibility. Any attempts by we as parents to remove negative consequences is a step backward for our adult children. 

If we are invited into solving our adult children’s problems then there must be an accountability measure in place. For example, if we loan money then there needs to be a repayment plan or a condition in which money is provided for schooling so long as the person is passing courses, staying sober, etc.

Conversely, we should be quick to give our adult children credit when credit is due for making the right decision. Our adult children may not also recognize their accomplishments so, by recognizing these, we as parents can encourage additional positive consequences in the future.

Letting Go Tip #2 - Look Past Short-Term Setbacks

There is no such thing as failure when our adult children assume greater personal responsibility. After all, personal responsibility is a verb, not a noun. In other words, personal responsibility is something that adults do, not something they possess. A mistake today will teach us how to get it right tomorrow. Furthermore, as a parent, it is important to remember that our adult children’s setbacks are not reflections on our character or our parenting skills.

Letting Go Tip #3 - Provide Emotional Support

As parents, it may be difficult to watch our children struggle through the process of learning personal responsibility. However, this doesn’t mean that we withdraw all support. Emotional support is something we all need, particularly when it is provided by a family member. Financial support is a poor substitute compared to the humanizing, empowering effect of emotion support.

A good metaphor to remember is to “walk alongside” our adult children rather than “walking ahead” to clear away problems or challenges that lie on their path. Walking alongside our adult children may sound like, “Wow! That is difficult. I wonder how you are going to deal with that” or “Yes, that does sound stressful. What did your recovery team tell you to do about that?”

Letting Go Tip #4 - Listen First, Hesitate Before Giving Advice

Further to Tip #3, emotional support sometimes means taking the time to simply be with our adult children and listen. All too often, we instinctively want to help our children by giving advice. However, when we listen we also provide the opportunity for our adult children to come up with their own solutions. When we listen in such a way that supports our children to come up with their own solution, we are practicing active listening. Active listening is much more rigourous then passive listening, which typically involves waiting for our turn to speak with little regard for the speaker.

We as parents also need to remember that what worked for us in the past may not always solve the current challenge facing our adult children. So, giving advice not only prevents active listenting, it may even be the wrong advice!

The next three tips are further along in the process of developing personal responsibility and are intended more for us as parents than for our adult children:

Letting Go Tip #5 - Hesitate Before “Collaborating”

Similar to our instinct to giving advice, we as parents instinctively may want to collaborate with our children. The truth is, however, that our children may prefer to work without our involvement. Although this may sound similar to Tip #3, the difference is that our adult child is no longer coming from a place of need but, rather, is fully engaged in the creative process.

For example, our adult children may become excited about post secondary education so we as parents rush out and get the course calendar and fill out the application forms ourselves in fear that our adult child may lose motivation. In essence, we have actually created the opposite effect by dampening their spirits. Instead, as parents we may need to give our adult children the space to create their own dreams.

Letting Go Tip #6 - Allow our Children to Choose Their Own Path

Each of us have our own unique path in life but sometimes, as parents, we may have difficulty accepting the chosen path our children. Examples include when our children choose a life partner, entering post-secondary education, or embarking on a career. We may have our own expectations of having a son- or daughter-in-law with similar values, socioeconomic status, religious perspective, etc. We may hope that our child carry on the legacy of the family business or entering an esteemed profession such as medicine, law, or engineering.

When asked for advice from the many admirers of his work, famed mythology expert Joseph Campbell advocated that we “follow our bliss,” meaning that we pursue our dreams no matter what others think. Mr. Campbell insisted that when we follow our dreams we are embarking on a heroic path of personal freedom. The path is not always easy, but Mr. Campbell promises a life infinitely more rewarding.

The business world abounds with individuals who followed their dreams and created profitable businesses that started out as mere hobbies, artistic pursuits, or crazy ideas. As parents, we provide a great service to our children by having faith that, they too, have the potential to join the long list of successful entrepreneurs or entertainers that followed their dreams.

Letting Go Tip #7 - Avoid Living Vicariously

Once our children have embarked on their chosen path, we may one day come to the realization that our children have actually exceeded our own accomplishments. While many parents are content to continue to provide the emotional support that, in part, contributed to their child’s acheivements in the first place, others may feel threatened by this success. 

For example, we have all attended amateur sporting events and have observed parents who seem just a little too obsessed with their sons or daughters winning at all costs. We may cringe when they holler at the referee, or berate their kids for not playing hard enough.

Similarly, we as parents must also learn to separate our own dreams from those of our adult children. Deep down, successful adult children may stir our own insecurities and failing to take notice of these insecurities can lead us to react out of jealousy and actually prevent us from embracing our own personal responsibility.

In part 4 of The Gift of Adulthood we conclude this series of articles by examining the transition to adulthood.

By Cathy Patterson-Sterling - MA, RCC
Director of Family Services
Sunshine Coast Health Center

PART TWO OF FOUR: THE COST OF RESCUING

There are a number of long term consequences if we as parents with adult children remain in rescuing cycles. These short- and long-term consequences can be viewed both from the perspective of the adult child and the parent.

Consequences for the Adult Child

These include:

Short-Term - A Sense of Entitlement

When we micro-manage our children’s lives it is not surprising that they learn to depend on us to solve their problems. When adult children become incapable of making decisions for themselves they are no longer equipped for life. And, since independent living is a fundamental aspect of personal growth and well-being, adult children are often left frustrated and resentful. Then we as parents, after working so hard to protect our children, become the unwitting targets of this resentment.

Thus, a vicious cycle forms where adult children increasingly expect more but, conversely, show less-and-less appreciation for what they receive. This behaviour, in a word, is known as “entitlement” and is often characterized by an inflated sense of being special, an attitude that life is unfair, and that the world owes them a better existence.

Oftentimes, when we as parents try to break this sense of entitlement by refusing their demands, our adult children may resort to “hostage-taking” - threatening more problems, even self-harm if their demands are not met.

Long-Term - Failure and Disappointment

Our society is not designed for people who walk around feeling frustrated, resentful, and entitled. Companies have little patience for employees who can’t work within a team, particularly if they are quick to blame others for their mistakes. Attracting the opposite sex can also be difficult for adult children when potential suitors learn they are unemployed and living at home. George Costanza of Seinfeld fame is a hilarious portrayal of the over-protected adult child who muddles his way through work, friendships, and relationships. The reality, however, for the “Costanzas” of the world is, sadly, nothing to laugh about. Such individuals endure a life-long struggle with a world that is mostly indifferent to their demands. Without some form of intervention, entitled adult children remain blind to the fact that, in life, we often need to give in order to receive.

Consequences for the Parent

These include:

Short-Term - A Loss of Identity

Playing the role of expert manager in the lives of our adult children is often reflected in our own behaviour. For example, we may make decisions for them, routinely suggest a correct course of action, and are always there to remove even the smallest obstacle that may arise in their lives.

Over time, our adult children can become an extension of our own identities - we may lose our sense of self. This “fusion” of identies leaves little room for our own lives. For example, a simple question such as “how are you?” may leave us speechless or we may end up complaining on and on about “our” problems which are actually not our problems at all but those of our adult child.

Another feature of losing our own identity is that we become unable to connect with our own emotions. On this emotional rollercoaster, our highs and lows are no longer our own but, rather, those of our adult child.

Long-Term - Enslavement

In the long run, when we play the role of rescuer, our own goals, dreams, and ambitions can be sacrificed in the process. We may feel it’s best to forego a vacation or even our retirement for fear of what may become of our adult child. We postpone (sometimes indefinitely) our dreams, hoping that, one day, our adult child will be able to stand on their own two feet.

The difficulty is that we cannot place our lives on hold waiting for our adult children to learn how to live independently. Moving forward and reclaiming our lives from the chaos of someone’s addiction is a conscious decision. If, starting today, we do not start the process of reclaiming our lives, we stay in this pattern of enslavement.

As parents, we must recognize that it is not just our adult children who feel compelled to maintain the status quo. Needing to be needed gives us all of us a sense of purpose in our lives and is part of what connects us as human beings. So, as a parent, we may fear that we are no longer important if our adult children start taking personal responsibility for their lives.

Therefore, assuming that we want to stay connected to our adult children, the challenge then becomes to create a new relationship whereby there is mutual adulthood - parents and their adult children spending time together out of love for one another, not fear of the unknown. As a mother in Family Program once said: “I cannot imagine who I am or what I would be doing if my son was not always screwing up.” The journey for this mother was to reclaim her life and to give her son the gift of his own adulthood.

In part 3 of Parenting and Addiction: The Gift of Adulthood, we examine further the gift of adulthood, the transition to adulthood, and overcoming adulthood’s most common roadblock - the “worry monster.”

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, MA, RCC

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, Director of Family Services for the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, compares physical recovery & sobriety to emotional recovery & sobriety.

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, MA, RCC

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, Director of Family Services for the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, talks about the importance of setting boundaries and limits with others rather than feeling the need to take responsibility or “own” others actions.

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, Ma, RCC

 
Cathy Patterson-Sterling, Director of Family Services for the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, shares ways to employ healthy emotional detachment so you don’t feel obligated to look after everyone around you.

By Cathy Patterson-Sterling, MA RCC
Director of Family Services
Sunshine Coast Health Center

In this 4-part series, we explore the dynamic of addiction in the family. How parents interact with their adult child struggling with addiction is an important element in restoring their own well-being and healthy, sustainable recovery for an addicted family member.

PART ONE

When raising children, we as parents have two primary responsibilities: 1) Keeping them safe and 2) nurturing them with love.  Protecting our children from harm and providing them with a loving, supportive homelife are both critical if we hope to have our children grow to become responsible, contributing members of society.

Similar to how physical pain tells us to pull back from a burning candle, fear instinctively tells us when we or our children are in danger. Fear is a powerful emotion and obviously serves a critical role. Unfortunately, fear can also unknowingly prevent us from lovingly nurturing our children towards personal growth. Fear can trump love.

When our children are still toddlers or pre-adolescent, it may be perfectly sensible to wade in, take control, and problem-solve on their behalf. As our children grow into adulthood, however, this same tendency to over-function and expert manage can have real and long-term negative consequences. The adult child addicted to drugs and/or alcohol is an excellent case in point.

Managing An Adult Child In Crisis

When we find our child actively struggling with addiction, we as parents are often motivated to take action out of fear. For example, we may pay their rent for fear they might end up homeless, or we may buy them groceries for fear of them becoming malnourished and vulnerable to sickness. If our adult child is charged with impaired driving we may pay for an expensive lawyer out of fear for the negative impact that comes with a criminal record.

Out of fear, we learn to tolerate their destructive, often illegal, activities at home. Crack smoking  or binge drinking in the basement becomes the lesser of two evils so long as it means they remain under our watchful gaze and away from places frequented by desperate, dangerous addicts, prostitutes, and criminals.

As an addiction progresses, we as parents may become little more than ATMs - knowingly providing money for drugs or alcohol in exchange for peace of mind. We know it’s not right but we comfort ourselves with the knowledge that it could be worse - at least our children are not dead from overdose, violence, or suicide. Money then becomes the last tenuous thread keeping the family together.

As parents, we may assume that part of our job is to keep our children free from pain. The reality, however, is that when parents protect their children in this way life then the opportunity to learn from the experience (and mature into adulthood) vanishes. Unfortunately, parents who don’t address this unhealthy dynamic may eventually find that their children physically reach adulthood but are emotionally stuck in childhood - incapable of living independently or assuming any real responsibilities. *

(*) Note: John Bowlby writes extensively on this topic in his classic book, ‘Attachment’. See the Recommended Reading section below.

Resilience: A Loving Alternative to Parenting out of Fear

It may seem obvious that the older a child becomes the more difficult it is for a parent to remove all potential sources of pain. However, fear often makes it difficult for a parent to think rationally when their adult child is self-destructing from drugs or alcohol. Fortunately, there is research showing the effectiveness of fostering resilience - the positive capacity of people to cope with life’s challenges - when it comes to raising children. ** While resilience can’t prevent painful events from occurring, teaching our children to courageously face life’s twists and turns put us as parents firmly back on the path to lovingly nurturing our children towards personal growth.

(**) Note: Resilience has been extensively researched in psychology. See the Recommended Reading section below.

Conclusion to Part One

For most of us, when we are hurting others or ourselves, internal ‘alarm bells’ are there to tell us we are making poor choices. When an adult child struggles with addiction, pain and discomfort serve as motivators that can lead to positive change. However, if we as parents fail to allow our children to take full responsibility for their own, often self-inflicted, life challenges then we end up muffling these inner voices that are advocating for greater personal accountability.

Paying the rent or buying groceries for your child may help them maintain a quality lifestyle but it removes any incentive to change a lifestyle that obsessively focuses on drugs or alcohol. Having our adult child face the consequences of missing the rent or experience the hunger pangs from having no groceries may seem like harsh punishment but it may also be the first steps on the path to recovery. This is the ultimate freedom of adulthood - the power of choice. As adults, we get to choose our actions and live with the consequences whether these decisions are good or bad.

Here’s a good question to ask yourself: “Am I basing my parenting on a foundation of love or fear?”

In Part Two, Cathy elaborates on what she means by the ‘gift of adulthood’ and what the costs are of habitually rescuing the adult child.

Recommended Reading

Bowlby, John (1983) Attachment: Second Edition (Attachment and Loss Series, Vol 1)

Brooks, Robert (2002) Raising Resilient Children: Fostering Strength, Hope, and Optimism in Your Child

Neufeld, Gordon (2006) Hold on to Your Kids