Drug Rehab Center

By Kye Taylor, B.Sc.(Kin.)
Resident Kinesiologist
Sunshine Coast Health Center

For our clients in the beginning stages of addiction recovery, this is a common question that confronts them as they begin to paint a picture in their minds about what life will look like following addiction treatment.  For many, the prospect of living life without their substance can sound painfully bland by comparison. In fact, for many, the thought may stand in the way of a successful recovery.

In addiction, life get’s pretty one dimensional pretty quickly.  Day to day life becomes focused around using, and most everything else is secondary.  So, despite it being a destructive force, when this central component is removed, a major void is left.  Thus, a well-rounded recovery plan becomes vital to the success of those in recovery.

At Sunshine Coast Health Center, we understand that a recovery plan must be multi-faceted and encourage more than just merely abstinence from the drug of choice.  As part of their daily programming, clients are afforded the unique opportunity to take part in a fitness program that offers them the chance to rekindle their relationship with their bodies as well as take part in a variety of recreational activities that perhaps have been long absent from their lives.  Restoring an excitement about the many zests of life that can fulfill the mind, body, and soul, is an important component in our clients’ post-treatment success.

When working with those in recovery, it is important to provide an appealing alternative in comparison with their previous lives.  If the whole package looks like a less tempting alternative to what they had before, odds are that they will decline it.  It might be, for instance, that being sober, attending meetings, and having an improved relationship with friends and family is not an appealing enough alternative to entice them to break free from the stranglehold that their substance has upon them.  However, perhaps offering them the life of sobriety described above, as well as incorporating fulfilling recreation activities that promote health and vitality, might be an appealing enough alternative for them to give it a shot.

It’s important that this point is not misunderstood.  It’s not that a sober life with healthy and loving relationships is not enough.  It is, however, our stance that one of the great pleasures of life is shared recreational activities.  We try to instill this value within our clients by offering a wide variety of recreational experiences during their treatment.  Being located in Powell River, we are fortunate to have near limitless possibilities of outdoor recreation to choose from regardless of the time of year.  Some of our recreational activities include: kayaking, hiking, swimming, golfing, beachcombing, scuba diving, fishing, and many more.  If we don’t offer it as a facility sponsored activity, during non-program hours, clients who are designated senior peers are able to apply for day passes to accommodate activities of their choosing.  If approval is given from the clinical team, they are free to take part in the activity, responsible for any incurred cost.

Everyone needs something that feeds their soul and rejuvenates them when they become weary.  That being said, that “something” won’t be the same for everyone.  We encourage our clients to test the waters, both literally and figuratively, to see what works for them.  Whether it is with family or friends, a common passion a great way to network and broaden your social circle to include others that share your same interests. 

Our clients at Sunshine Coast have an un-rivaled opportunity to seek and explore what recreational activity enriches their life most.  They get to share these experiences with their “band of brothers” that they are a part of at our center, and narrow in on what it is that they want to include as part of the tapestry that will make up their aftercare plan, and the beginning of the rest of their life.

Geoff Thompson, MA, CCC

Geoff Thompson, Program Director for the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, discusses Martin Buber’s key to good relationships and the “I-thou” idea.

Geoff Thompson, MA, CCC

Geoff Thompson, Program Director for the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, talks about the importance of connecting with others to overcome feelings of isolation. He shares ways to connect with others on a deeper level.

Geoff Thompson, MA, CCC

Geoff Thompson, Program Director for the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, reflects on conversations he has had with clients regarding “what is the pay-off of the drug experience?” He talks about finding natural ways to have these great experiences in life.

Geoff Thompson, MA, CCC

Geoff Thompson, Program Director for the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, discusses the need for some people to feel connected to something larger and the theory that this can lead some people to drug use.

By Geoff Thompson – MA, CCC
Program Director
Sunshine Coast Health Center

Recently, I had a discussion with the clients at our residential treatment center about work. Some fellows said they were at work only because it gave them a paycheque. They didn’t like the job, but they had kids to put through school and a mortgage to pay. Others said that they were near retirement and were just counting down the years: “I’ve got seven years left to retirement, so I just have to suck it up and hang in for a few years more.” Others said they were unhappy at their jobs and so just quit.

Many of the clients who spoke seemed to think they were doomed, victims of their jobs. Many seemed resigned to the “fact” that they just had to suck it up and survive. But making sense of work like this is not very helpful in recovery—or in life, for that matter. There are ways to make work more interesting and satisfying, if you decide to take action.

Sunshine Coast Health Center is sponsoring a major international conference this month in Vancouver on finding meaning in the workplace. The official title of the conference is “Creating a Psychologically Healthy Workplace: Meaning, Spirituality and Engagement in the 21st Century” (visit www.meaning.ca for more information). What this means is that we now have very good research on how to turn a dull job into an interesting one.

Some of the world’s foremost experts will be letting us in on the secrets of transforming your working life, and, if you are a manager, how to create a workplace that will inspire your employees. It’s especially important right now because many people are simply surviving at work. There seems to be a general feeling that we are just hanging in because of layoffs and the downturn in the economy. And lots of our alumni tell us that they are working at jobs simply because of the paycheque and not because they are excited about work.

At Sunshine Coast Health Center, we stress the importance of working at a fulfilling job or of doing something that will allow our clients to reach this job, such as getting training. Each of us spends an enormous amount of time at work, so it’s important that it be a major source of fulfillment and significance.

Why all this is important for your recovery is obvious. Alcoholics Anonymous says that a key to recovery is “To thine own self be true.” And Viktor Frankl, the guru of leading a meaningful life, said that addiction is one response for those whose lives are unfulfilling and unsatisfying, including their working lives.

In this article we’ll take a look at some of the ways to make work more meaningful. As always, remember that you are the author of your life, so finding meaning at work is your job.

Part One – The Job as Meaningful vs Intense

Some clients tell us that they love their job. They go to work everyday, happy to be there. But when we talk to these clients, we discover some very interesting things about this job they love.

A common example is a job that is filled with pressure, such as managing a multimillion dollar project. Or perhaps it is in the financial world, where the client invests millions of dollars each day. Or perhaps it’s a job in at some remote industrial plant where the client has to do some welding while tethered to a safety harness 100 meters above the ground. Or perhaps it’s a job that changes every day and has no real routine.

When we ask our clients what the appeal of the job is, they often tell us, “It’s a rush.” Exciting. Risky. High stakes. Or, as we phrase it at Sunshine Coast, it’s filled with intensity. And addicts love intensity. Counsellors find it interesting that the job itself is often not that appealing—it’s the rush, not the job itself, the client likes. As one client said, who flies around the world first-class on business trips and gets invited to all the best parties, “I could care less whether I’m doing what I do now or whether I’m selling eggs. As long as I get to be a rock star!”

If you recall from previous articles, I talk a lot about the appeal of intensity for addicts. Our main point is that addicts substitute living intensely for living meaningfully. This is one of the most important dynamics to understand addiction. But the key to recovery is to live a life that fills you up, that matches what you truly want out of life. The intense jobs don’t seem to accomplish this goal; but they are intense.

Psychologist Mike Csikszentmihalyi studied people who thrived at work and discovered that the key factor was they loved the work itself (not the paycheque or perks, but the work). This was true of artists and scientists and business people. Pursuing a job because one loves the job itself is a key to finding fulfillment in work. Many artists are content holding down a minimum-wage job so as to ensure they have enough time to work on their craft. Many people donate time in the community to help out organizations or to help their company become a good corporate citizen.

Part Two – The Job as Part of Life, Not the Whole

A few years back, ABC News featured a documentary on the addicted actor Daniel Baldwin. This is the one where ABC News follows Baldwin during his stay at a residential treatment center in California.

In one segment, his psychologist suggests that being a Hollywood actor may not be the best job for Baldwin because it is a life through which Baldwin has used drugs regularly. The ABC interviewer asks Baldwin if he would be willing to change careers, and he replied, without hesitating, that he would never even entertain the idea.

It is interesting that he refused to spend even five seconds thinking about it a career change. Why? The documentary makes it clear that Daniel Baldwin may have no life without his acting. Perhaps the reason Baldwin cannot conceive of having another career is that any sense of who he is hinges on the career. He talks in that segment that he could be a lawyer or real estate agent if he wanted to (which is very true), but it seems obvious that these jobs would be far too dull for him. No limelight. No excitement. No showing up at the Academy Awards. Being successful according to his own standards of wealth and fame is how he judges a job. He does not talk about being a lawyer because he loves the law and wants to help people. He does not talk about being a real estate agent because the job has intrinsic meaning. He is only interested in winning cases or in making money.

One wonders what would happen to Baldwin if he suffered the same fate as the actor Christopher Reeve, who had to give up acting after breaking his spine. Could Baldwin gain success as Reeve did? Who is Baldwin if he were not famous or wealthy or the life of the party? Perhaps it is the job that allows him to survive, that provides him with his identity, with a sense of who he is as a person. Not a very balanced life.

Part Three – Changing Jobs

According to some research, most heart attacks happen on Monday morning, right after the days off and just before going back to the grind. This should give you some idea of how important work is for your health.

O, Oprah’s magazine, often contains articles on how people transformed their lives by changing jobs. Of course changing jobs is not realistic for everyone. But the articles in Oprah’s magazine are about those who are capable of changing jobs. The only think that prevented them was fear.

One woman wrote about her experience of overcoming fear. She and her husband made six-figure salaries, and both were regarded at work and in their communities as very successful. But what they truly wanted to do was to get out of the business world, buy a sailboat, and sail around the world. No more worries about appointments and the high pace.

But to do this obviously meant quitting their jobs. It meant selling their house to pay for a sailboat. It meant giving up their upper middle-class lifestyle. Their neighbors and colleagues at work thought they were a bit nuts. But sailing around the world was what they truly wanted.

The woman said that it was scary, but she said it was the best thing they had ever done. They realized they didn’t need six-figure salaries to be happy. They didn’t need a big, expensive house to be happy. All they needed to be happy was to be true to themselves (and realistic, of course).

Their willingness to act in spite of fear is a good lesson for those in recovery. Remember that Bill W. and AA tell you, “To thine own self be true.” And, of course, Viktor Frankl would not be the least bit surprised to learn that the couple were much happier sailing about the world.

Part Four — Examples of Meaningful Work

In this article we’ve been examining the ideas of finding meaningful (not intense) work, not allowing work to become your identity, and facing fear of changing careers. Eric Clapton’s autobiography provides a good example of someone who transformed his work into something that provided meaning and purpose. He didn’t change jobs, but he did transform his job into something personally meaningful.

As you know, Clapton suffered from addiction. In active addiction, he became a famous and highly respected musician. He describes this time of his life in his book. There was the joy of music, but equally there was the distraction of drugs, party girls, soap opera life, photographs and television, audiences of screaming fans, hanging out with other famous rock stars, money, and so on. And he describes it as a rather narrow life and also that despite the fact that he was surrounded by people, he didn’t feel all that close to others.

Then, after two stays at a residential treatment center, he found recovery. He now has his work in perspective. It is there, but his family and friends are equally important. What is really remarkable is the way he describes his work (music). Now, clean and sober, he describes the power of his music is to heal those who are suffering. This is a long way from the rock musician in active addiction.

Bill W. offers an example of a different route. He did change jobs. In active addiction, he was a business man. In recovery, he spent his time getting AA on its feet. He was the coach, guru, diplomat, and promoter of AA. He turned from a self-centered alcoholic businessman to a man who followed his passion to help other suffering alcoholics and their families.

In both cases, there are several common factors. Each had to take action. Each had to be creative. Each had to follow his bliss, that is, be true to himself. Each had to look at work as something of substance, rather than as simply a way to money (or in Clapton’s case, fame).

Geoff Thompson, MA, CCC

Geoff Thompson, Program Director for the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, discusses Dr. Nora Volkow’s belief that not only is addiction a disease, it is specifically a brain disease.

By Geoff Thompson – MA, CCC
Program Director

Lots of men who have participated at Sunshine Coast Health Center struggle with things beyond addiction. Some typical challenges are depression, anxiety and panic attacks, post-traumatic stress disorder, grief over losing a loved one, and attention deficit disorder.

In the old days of addiction treatment, counsellors didn’t pay much attention to these issues. Mental health professionals didn’t want to work with them because they were addicts; addiction counsellors didn’t want to work with them because they had mental health struggles. Mostly, they just fell through the cracks in the system.

Thankfully, this has mostly changed now. At Sunshine Coast we routinely deal with both the addiction and any mental health issue. All the counsellors have graduate training and Dr. Howard, our psychiatrist, has been a great blessing, helping us with diagnoses and medications.

There is a popular idea that those suffering from depression, attention deficit, trauma, grief, and so on are less capable than ‘normal’ people. But think about this: some of the most successful people in the world have suffered from mental health issues. Here’s a few:
• Kay Redfield Jamison (bipolar)—Professor of psychiatry at Johns Hopkins University Medical School
• Matthew Good (bipolar)—Canadian musician
• John Nash (likely schizophrenia)—Nobel prize winner, who was the subject of the book and movie, A Beautiful Mind.

This list could go on endlessly: singer Judy Collins, actor Jean-Claude van Damme, and so on. Some say Isaac Newton, Beethoven, and others who have profoundly influenced the world struggled with mental health issues. If we add an addiction problem, and the list includes:
• Robert Munsch (addiction, obsessive-compulsive and bipolar disorders)—Canadian children’s author. Munsch revealed last month that he suffered from mental issues and that he had recently achieved four months of clean time from cocaine and alcohol
• Eugene O’Neill (addiction, major depressive disorder)—Nobel prize winner for literature

So, some of the most famous people in the world have had mental health challenges and yet managed to do some amazing things.

Still, some do think that they are somehow less than ‘normal’ people, and some of those with both mental issues and addiction think that they are really different. In this article we’ll explore these co-occurring problems and how to deal with them.

Part One — Addiction and Mental Health Issues

Many people believe that addicts with mental health problems are ‘medicating’ their problem with alcohol or drugs. They tell us about research that says, for example, 50 percent of the people with post traumatic stress disorder have severe substance use. It’s interesting that some clients feel relieved when they get a mental health diagnosis. ‘Ah,’ they think, ‘So that explains why I keep doing drugs’.

But we have to be cautious about how we interpret this research. When we say that 50 percent of those with trauma are addicted, this is based on what are known as correlational studies. This research simply discovers if there is some link between two things. Just because we find a link does not mean that one causes the other.

One of the most famous psychiatrists in the addiction field is Ken Minkoff. Minkoff argues that those with mental health issues use drugs for the same reasons that all addicts use drugs, which is to deal with loneliness, feelings that they are different, feelings that they don’t belong, boredom, and so on.

Research on the self-medication theory is actually rather weak. When we analyze the research, we discover that there are lots of questions about self-medicating that remain unanswered. Some researchers claim that the self-medication theory was invented by those who don’t understand addiction. A major study soon to be published claims that it will go a long way toward dispelling the self-medication theory.

Some researchers point out that the drugs used are often poor choices if the addict is using them as a substitute for medication. One of the more obvious examples is cocaine. Many people with anxiety problems use coke. Since anxiety ramps up the body’s nervous system, one would think that the medication should decrease activity in the nervous system. But coke ramps it up. So it doesn’t really make a lot of sense biologically. So why do they use it? We do know that coke often gives a user the sense of power or is great as a distraction — get all that irritating clutter out of their head. These are the common reasons why people say they use coke, regardless of whether they have mental issues or not.

Part Two — Attitude

Many health care professions look at someone struggling with bipolar disorder or major depressive disorder or post traumatic stress disorder as ‘mentally ill’.

Sunshine Coast does not like this interpretation. Here’s why. There is a lot of evidence that if a professional tells a client that he is mentally ill, then the client might come to believe that there is something wrong with him. He might believe that he is different, abnormal, defective, and so on.

At Sunshine Coast, we see those suffering from these issues as no different than anyone else. Each of us is unique. Those suffering from addiction or depression or chronic pain or a heart condition are simply working through their own struggles, as any human being has to.

Basically, they didn’t ask for this to happen to them, but it did. So, they have a choice to make: Do I become a victim to my struggles or do I accept them as part of what I deal with and get on with my life.

There’s a saying in the recovery field that “Attitude is everything.” We’re not sure if it’s everything, but it certainly is a big part of whether someone lives a good life or not. The great psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, who we talk about at Sunshine Coast, wrote and spoke a great deal about developing a positive attitude. He considered a good attitude to be essential to living a personally meaningful life.

Attitude is basically accepting that depression or attention deficit or whatever is simply part of your life right now. Like having diabetes or eye problems or addiction, you still get to make choices.

Part Three — Courage

Many great thinkers, such as the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche or the addict-writer Eugene O’Neill, tell us that suffering is a natural part of life. Many believe that overcoming suffering is how we mature and grow as people. Perhaps because of modern advertising, we tend to believe today that we shouldn’t suffer. Advertisements tell us that there is a pill or some technique that will make suffering go away.

The truth is that some have more good days than bad, some have more bad than good. But we know that everyone has bad days. One of the tricks to living the good life is to trudge through the bad days. This takes courage (some psychologists use the word ‘resilience’ or ‘hardiness’, which are a little more complex than ‘courage’ but basically the same thing). 

Courage is an interesting trait. Most people consider courage as acting in spite of fear or suffering. Many suffering people find it difficult to act, to do something. Those with depression, for instance, often deal with it passively — just sleeping when they feel tired, not eating because they may lack an appetite. But dealing passively with mental health problems is usually not too helpful, at least in any long-term way. A better way is to force themselves to get up, have a shower, exercise, do some activity. This is often very difficult because they have no energy. So, it does take courage to act in spite of suffering.

As clients who have attended the new program at Sunshine Coast know, one of the ways to develop courage is to remember why you would act in spite of suffering. What is the reason you would trudge on, force yourself to do something that you don’t want to do? If you have a goal, a mission, it makes it easier to deal with the ‘bad’ things in life. For most people, having a mission or goal gives them courage.

Part Four — Faith

This can mean religious faith, but it doesn’t have to. It’s actually used in psychology.

Faith means that you have hope that things will get better — even though you may not know how or why. In a way, it can feel like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. You have no idea how you are going to land safely, but someone says, “Just do it. It’ll be okay.” Those of you who are involved in 12-step programs know this experience. This is very similar to Step 3. You just have to have faith that things will work out if you continue working on recovery.

For those with addiction and mental health issues, it may sometimes feel that they’re stuck. They’ve been courageous trudging through the tough days, and then, bang, it happens again — the major depression, anxiety, or whatever. Perhaps they know others in early recovery who are going through what they’re going through. It’s often not very pleasant.

One of the great blessings of 12-step and other recovery programs is that there are many members who have overcome their struggles with addiction and gotten a handle on a mental health issue. For those struggling with depression, etc, these people are inspiring. And they often can give others clues to how they can overcome mental issues.

Meeting someone who is dealing with the same issue is one way for people who are struggling to develop faith that things will get better. Even if they have no personal experience and don’t understand how their lives can improve, there are real people around them who have pulled it off.

Part Five — Transcendence

The key to overcoming suffering—overcoming depression, bipolar disorder, attention deficit, and so on—is not to pretend it doesn’t exist or avoid thinking about it. The key is to transcend it. Basically, in real life, this looks like ‘Okay, I’ve got a problem. I don’t like it, but I’m stuck with it, so I’ll just deal with it and get on with the business of living’.

Suffering is reality for all human beings. We all suffer: lose loved ones, lose pets, find out we have a major medical condition, get into a car accident, get our heart broken, and, of course, have an addiction. Those with co-occurring mental health issues have their own struggles and, in some ways, struggle more than the average person.

But the thing to remember is that there is no thunderbolt coming down from the heavens to save us. The only person who can save me is me. The only person who can save you is you. Each of us makes decisions that determine the kind of life we lead. As we pointed out in the introduction to this article, many people suffering from mental issues have done remarkably well in life and contributed greatly to make others’ lives better.

Geoff Thompson, MA, CCC

Geoff Thompson, Program Director for Sunshine Coast Health Centre, discusses the term “confirmation bias” and what psychologists have learned about the different ways individuals will intake & process information.

By Geoff Thompson – MA, CCC

Program Director

Recovery demands three connections: with yourself (self-awareness), with others, and with something that makes you feel alive and energized and vital (e.g. volunteering). We’ve talked about these connections in previous blog postings.

One of the questions clients ask is if one connection is more important than others. It’s interesting that many in active addiction have very good self-awareness (though many also struggle with this). Some of the finest literary writers produced very good books while in active addiction. Think of John O’Brien’s novel, Leaving Las Vegas. O’Brien was an alcoholic and his book provides good insight into the nature of addiction. He was fully aware of what addiction is, what it cost him, why he drank. But even self-awareness didn’t help O’Brien. He took his life while in addictive alcoholism. So, connecting with self may not be the most important connection.

According to a remarkable amount of research, the one connection that addicts seem to struggle with the most is the connection with others. Relationships. Even John O’Brien wrote about this struggle to connect with others in Leaving Las Vegas. In fact, the importance of connecting with others is the main theme of the book. And, of course, Eugene O’Neill, the Nobel-Prize winning addict-writer, recognized that it was his feeling of separation from others that was the cause of his drinking. His greatest works are about why connection with others is the key to being clean and sober. In O’Neill’s own struggles to recover, it was through rebuilding connections with his wife and parents that led him to abstinence.

You should know that psychology now promotes relationships as one of the most important factors of life. In the old days, we used to focus on the individual only, trying to understand human beings by studying them in isolation. Today, however, more and more psychologists are developing theories and models that say that the way to understand human beings is through their need to exist in relationships.

So, if we had to choose one type of connection, it would not be a bad idea to choose connection with others.

For those suffering from addiction, the big barrier to connecting with others is Harry in the Bubble—or, from the 12-step interpretation, self-centeredness. Perhaps the most horrifying thing about addiction is that it isolates the addict. This was Eugene O’Neill’s argument, and the reason for his addiction: he never felt comfortable around people (including his parents, and his first two wives and the kids he had with them). Extreme isolation. Extreme loneliness. No sense of belonging.

The reason why Harry lives in the Bubble is due directly to the addiction. Harry is doing something that society, his friends, his boss, is family, his lover, his kids say is ‘bad’. He’s spending enormous amounts of money, told that he is a reject of society, risks his physical health, loses jobs, causes extreme stress in his family, runs into trouble with the law. To continue using the substance he has to come up with all sorts of tactics. Isolation, lies to attain money for the substance, manipulation of family and friends and bosses, and so on. If Harry were not good at these tactics, he wouldn’t be a very successful addict.

The problem is that these tactics push people away. In active addiction, the addict interprets others mainly according to the principle: can they help me get and use the substance, are they neutral, or can they hinder me from getting and using the substance? A family dinner can be a place of suffering if the addict wants to get loaded; the family prevent him from using. Even being with your kids can be a problem; they might catch you out. Bosses are certainly dangerous because they can fire you—or send you to treatment. People avoid you in public; how many people want to sit next to you on the bus if you’re loaded?

In this article we’ll look at how Harry can break out of his Bubble and connect with others.

Part One — Remember the Lessons from Living at Sunshine Coast

There is a reason why Sunshine Coast Health Center is a residential treatment center. Living with others 24 hours a day and 7 days a week may not be too attractive to most new clients, but it has great therapeutic value for overcoming addiction.

For those who in active addiction learned to push others away and isolate, they have to learn new methods to live comfortably. Harry shows up in his Bubble at the center, but now his old tactics of isolating and pushing people away don’t work very well.

Perhaps Harry is in a foul mood. Likely, he has no problem letting others know he is angry, even though all the other clients are suffering with their own issues. He has no problem taking his anger out on someone else or yelling or punching a wall. Perhaps Harry is on the phone in the phone booth. He raises his voice to his lover because he is angry at the lover, even though another client in the next phone booth is having a conversation with his six-year-old. The fact that there is another client in the other phone booth does not even register with Harry. Perhaps Harry does not care about keeping his room clean and tidy. The fact that this is expected of him at Sunshine Coast does not matter to him. Why should it? He has not paid attention to policies or laws or family requests for many years. Even if his roommate complains at Harry’s mess, it often doesn’t matter to Harry because he is in his Bubble. When you live in a Bubble, nothing outside the bubble really matters.

If Harry continues to act this way, he’ll soon discover that other clients want little to do with him. If he doesn’t change— doesn’t learn to connect with the other clients— he’ll likely be miserable in treatment. Rather than change, he’ll probably start inventing all sorts of nonsense to get himself out: other clients are jerks, counsellors are useless, and so on. But almost always, Harry learns to connect. The same requirement is demanded of the clients around Harry. They have to learn to connect with him. If they don’t, they’ll run screaming out the front gate.

Clients at Sunshine Coast learn to pay attention to others and what others are feeling, especially in small group. They discover that they share a great deal with others, that they are accepted warts and all.

In short, they begin to connect with others by seeing them as suffering human beings. All this effort helps Harry to connect with other clients, and other clients figure out how to connect with Harry.

Part Two — The Secret to Connecting with Others

The great thinker Martin Buber gave us the key to good relationships. Buber said that we have to treat others as valuable and worthwhile human beings, what he called the “I-Thou” relationship.

Treating another person as worthwhile and important usually takes practice. How many times have you seen one person treat another with disrespect, which then leads to an angry reaction from the person insulted? The justification is, of course, ‘well, he started it’. If you are an alumni of Sunshine Coast, you may have been reminded by your counsellor that simply because someone treats you disrespectfully is not a reason to treat them disrespectfully. You are still the author of how you react. But this is a tough one.

The blessing of learning to connect with others using ‘I-Thou’ is that you will feel better. Life will be more rewarding. You lose the feeling that you are an outcast, that you are different than others. You gain a sense of belonging, of fitting in, of being part of.

These benefits are precisely why connecting with others is so important for recovery. The great psychiatrist Viktor Frankl said that the reason addicts use substances is because they have little connection with others. Because of this, life has little personal meaning. But those who connect with others at a deep level discover that life is exciting and meaningful.

Part Three — Dating

Connecting with an intimate partner is another type of relationship. The key is to have two healthy equals come together in a relationship.

Because most in early recovery are filled with guilt and shame, they may not think that they are worth much. One client told us the reason he dated certain women in bars is because he didn’t think a healthy woman would want to be around him.

Cathy Patterson-Sterling, Director of Family Services at Sunshine Coast, offers an example of a doomed dating relationship: Rescuing a damsel in distress. It is interesting how many clients and alumni seek out someone to rescue. They tell us that they are doing ‘good’, helping the less fortunate. But if we operate according to principle of equality in relationships, we can see that rescuing the damsel is not a partnership among equals.

Similar to rescuing the damsel is the notorious practice at 12-step meetings of ‘thirteenth stepping’, another doomed connection. A person new in the fellowship is vulnerable. Another member sees this and acts as if he or she (yes, it goes both ways) can help the vulnerable member. Of course, the older AA member is simply using the vulnerable person to satisfy his or her lust or loneliness. Using another person for your benefit is hardly a relationship of equals.

Another example is that some in recovery go on dates, and they don’t even really like the person. To use a heterosexual example, they date a beautiful woman and like to be seen in public with her. Other guys stare at his date, which makes the fellow feel good about himself. This, too, is using another person for their benefit.

Some use the ‘victim’ role to attract dates. Being needy is attractive to those who need someone to rescue. Obviously, this is not a good basis for a relationship.

Part Four — Connecting with Others Helps Connect with Yourself

It is one of those things about human beings that how they make sense of themselves has a lot to do with how others treat them.

This is one of the main dynamics behind group therapy. How you treat others in the group—how you connect with them—will likely determine how they treat you. Members of a group learn quickly that if you don’t show up on time for group, interrupt others, focus only when the topic shifts to something you are interested in, and so on, then you will not form good connections with others. When other group members see your behavior, they conclude that you have no interest in them and so won’t bother trying pursuing a connection.

If other people continue to avoid making connections with the person, he’ll likely be more convinced than ever that he is unworthy of caring. And so, he’ll just keep behaving as he does. It’s a vicious circle.

On the other hand, if you approach others with the attitude that they are important, you generally find that you are well treated. And based on this constant feedback, you will likely come to believe that you are a good person, decent person. And, of course, being a good person will likely help you to continue to treat others well.

Dr. Ken Hart, one of Canada’s foremost addiction researchers, reports new research on overcoming shame. Studies have found that the experience of having someone forgive you actually helps you to forgive yourself. And forgiving yourself is one of the key factors in overcoming feelings of shame. In this example, you make sense of yourself based in great measure by how another treats you. This is why helping out in the community often makes someone feel better. To use an extreme example, let’s say an alcoholic killed a child while driving intoxicated. We’ve discovered that one way to help alleviate guilt is for the person to volunteer with kids in the community or create a foundation to help underprivileged kids or some other activity. Because of this effort, the alcoholic will get feedback from others, likely positive. This feedback often helps the alcoholic in the process to forgive himself.